Becoming a first time dad is definitely the most daunting and scariest experience we will most likely face in our lives. The reason I say this is because nobody tells us what to expect. Unlike new mothers, who have way more exposure to the expectations of motherhood. We as men hardly get any.
I want to change that by letting you know the kinds of things that can change and will happen when your baby has come into the world and while your wife or partner is pregnant. I know it can be anxiety inducing and you want to bury your head in the sand because suddenly all these things are coming at you all at once, but trust me you don’t want to do that. The better prepared you are, the better it will be, for not only you but your partner and your little family unit. Once the baby arrives that’s it you have no choice but to switch on, if you don’t it’s going to be a disaster. I don’t want that for you!
Emotions
The first thing you can expect, and I know for alot of us, we are not good at it, but we have to deal with it. And that is that our emotions are going to be all over the show! Yep that’s right, I said it. You are going to feel a whole range of emotions from extreme happiness, joy, and love, to worry, stress, pressure and even feeling paralysed. However if you are like me and know this is what is going to happen, then believe me it becomes that much easier to deal with.
My advice to you is embrace it and don’t run from it because it will make you stronger and I know we men like to be strong especially for our partners and family. Turn it into your strength and see how it powers you up for the other things that will come your way!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT vent to your wife especially in the early months because as much as we want to help, everything will be on her, as the baby relies on her for everything. I’m not saying you can’t talk to her about how you feel but bare this in mind, her hormones are flooding her body and not in a regulated way. She has to deal with that and looking after the baby.
Oh, here’s something they don’t tell you and that is your wife is probably going to full on hate the sight of you. Any tiny thing you do or say will trigger her and that is something you have to deal with and believe me it is very hard to deal with. It will mess you up emotionally and you will question everything, which is why I gave you the warning about being careful venting to her. However bare this in mind it’s her hormones talking, not her!
The best advice I can give you to deal with that is to have a support network around you because you will need it. Also, it will calm down in a couple of months, so you have to persevere and be strong for her, because although she’s not saying it, she needs you to be strong for her and the baby.
Lifestyle Changes
I can tell you this with the utmost conviction, my friend your whole life is going to be turned upside down, and if you are not prepared for it you are going to fall apart. What’s worse is although you kind of know it, or maybe you don’t this is probably the hardest thing to adapt to. The learning curve that comes with it, is something that cannot be prepared for. The only thing I found that helped me through it, was knowing my lifestyle would change and I would remind myself of that fact when things in my life actually changed.
The first thing I thought I could handle fairly well was the lack of sleep. The reason I thought this was because I would usually get 4 or 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I know that doesn’t seem a lot but it’s what I was used to plus I have to wake for Fajr Namaaz. Therefore I was pretty used having broken sleep, but let me tell you! Even though I didn’t need that much sleep. When my daughter arrived I got next to no sleep at all. Then I had to wake up for work.
I was so exhausted that I had to turn to coffee for the first time in my life. I am tea drinker and always have been, but this baby has turned me into a morning coffee drinker, and even that only takes the edge off the tiredness you will experience.
They say you should sleep when the baby does, but that is the silliest thing I ever heard. I say that because when the baby is down, that is when you going to catch up on house work, eating, tending to your wife and so much more! so who ever came up with that advice needs to have a word with themselves, because in my experience, that does not work.
Your whole schedule is going to be torn up, because now, you are on the babies schedule and your life is going to be ruled by it especially in the first six months to a year, or even longer. I don’t know yet because my darling is just about to turn one years old.
Practical Adjustments
The best advice I can give you, in order to help you through this huge change is to make practical adjustments. These are things you can do to relieve some of the stress that is on her shoulders.
One thing you can do is learn how to care for your new born. This can be done in a number of ways such as attending baby classes. There are free ones but they only give you the basic information. If you want the in depth stuff I suggest you take an NCT class that both you and your wife can attend but it will cost you money, however it is a great investment in my opinion. I learned a lot from it.
Another thing you can do is support your wife however you can, because I can tell you, that you will feel like a spare part. However whatever little things you can do for her, do it. So this can look like doing the house work for her, because believe me there is going to be a lot of it. I would say learn how to use the washing machine and dryer because you are mostly likely going to have a number of loads to do every single day especially in the early months. Dont forget to fold the laundry and put it away for her.
Do the washing up! Unfortunately I don’t have a dishwasher so I have hand washed the dishes, but if you have a dishwasher it is going to be your best friend, because just like laundry there’s going to be a lot of dishes to wash ( mostly baby bottles etc). Same as with the laundry put the dishes away.
A big one I think she will appreciate is learn to change a nappy, because your going to be going through double figures everyday in the early months.
Basically what I am saying whatever chores you can do for her, do them because she will really appreciate the help. Remember, teamwork makes the dream work!
Also consider her self care if you can maybe brush her hair for her, get her clothes ready for the next day, help her do her nails etc. I can confidently say it will go a long way in helping her to stay sane.
Also do you best to establish firm lines of communication with your wife, because trust me when I tell you if you don’t it is going to cause more issues and resentment which neither of you need. You need to remember you are a team and you need to stick together. Work with each other, not against each other.
Another really good piece of advice I have learned is to get into a routine. However in the early months, I am telling you, there is absolutely no routine for the baby, but whatever you can get into a routine, then do it. I found that making sure I gave my wife food and drink at set times helped her and myself. The reason I say this is because I was so focused on them I would neglect my own eating and drinking.
Also be clear on your finances, because trust me, it is going to take a massive hit and if you don’t stay on top of them, you will find yourself in major trouble. Talk to your partner about it and get a plan or understanding in place. A new born baby has a major impact on your finances. All the bottles, nappies, clothes etc will all add up. Not to mention all the things you will want to get that are not essential like toys and teddies etc. I would suggest putting a budget in place and sticking to it. Don’t forget you have all your normal outgoings to think about as well. Take it from me as much as you want to go overboard, and trust me I wanted to and still do, but stay within your means.
Finally, make sure that you are familiar with all the tech and gadgets that you are going to get because again you be using them a lot. The items you are most likely going to use are:
- Bottle Steriliser
- Bottle Warmer
- Car Seat/Push chair
- Baby carrier
Long Term
The things you should be thinking about when it comes to long term is things like:
- Being a Role Model
- Adapting Your Parent Style
- Creating a strong Family Unit
Becoming a Role Model
The role of a father cannot be understated. The has been research done on the impact a father has on a child, yes that includes daughters. Yes while mothers are the primary carers, the dad still has a vital role to play in the development of the child.
Research says that although the child will look for comfort from the mum, they get more enjoyment out of playing with you. The research says that there is an oxytocin spike for both father and child when they play together, more than with their mum. Use this to your advantage because of course having fun playing with your child is great and I love it, it can be used to help them learn, all through the fun and games you play with them.
On the other hand fathers are more likely to be the disciplinarian in the house. I really don’t want to be the disciplinarian in my house, but I have to be because my wife is not that way inclined. So more often than not it falls on the dad to ensure the child does what they need to be doing. Let me stress that you need to do this in the right way, meaning there should be no form of abuse towards the child. What it does mean is, that you should be guiding them, supporting them and loving them.
Adapting Your Parent Style
Your parenting style will be heavily influenced by the way you were brought up by your own parents. The important thing here is to extract all the good things your parents did and change the things that were not so great. Remember what worked for them as a parent when you where growing up may not work for you. You also need to think about how you want to raise your child, obviously your wife will be involved in this decision as well so as I said earlier work as a team. Remember each of you has their strengths and weaknesses so where one of you lacks the other can pick it up and vice versa.
Remember you have not done this before so you are going to make mistakes as a dad. The key is to not beat yourself up about it, because I know I have, but to learn from it and adapt. At the end of the day you want the best for your child so try your best to be your best for them. If you do that, you will see it reflected in your relationship with your child.
Creating a Strong Family Unit
There is no other way to say this but your relationship with your wife is going to be changed forever and if you are not careful it can be for the worse. By that I mean that the baby will take centre stage and everything you do will be focused on then for both parents. Naturally that will mean you will have less time as a couple and this can cause huge resentment.
To avoid this from happening you and your partner need to be on the same page and as mentioned earlier communication is key. You need to always be talking to your partner because if you don’t, you will turn into roommates and that is not something you want. So get intentional and prioritise your partner. How do you do that? well it can be anything. You could set aside a date night once a month, where you strictly date each other and not think about the baby. Yes I know easier said than done especially for the mum. My point is you have prioritise even if you do end up talking about the baby, you are still out in a new setting with your wife enjoying each others company and keeping the flame alive!
Or you could play games with each other whether its board games, consoles or something as little as racing each other down the street. Whatever it is make sure it is something that will strengthen your bond and not weaken it.
Doing this your when your baby grows up they will see what a healthy relationship is and you will the role model. Meaning if you have a daughter as I do she is going to see how her dad treated her mum and think that is how she should be treated. So for me I want to make sure I am treating her mum right, not only so she sees how she should be treated but also so she knows how much I love and care for her mum.
I hope this article helps you in some way. Thank you for reading!
